


Again

by appalachian_fireflies



Series: Intersex/Trans Steve [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Trans Steve, i'm fandom trash, intersex steve, rape mention if ya squint, write the queers you want to see in the...fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 12:02:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5289911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appalachian_fireflies/pseuds/appalachian_fireflies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you remember me?” Steve asks, and Bucky knows when he’s trying not to sound hopeful.  He can’t hurt him, not again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Again

**Author's Note:**

> Bury me in garbage. 
> 
> Yes, the beds are a pun.

“Buck?” Steve asks him, and he’s known this would happen eventually, but god the name hurts him to hear. Not like it did before, breaking the conditioning, but like it does when he tries to look up at Steve and can’t. 

“Do you remember me?” Steve asks, and Bucky knows when he’s trying not to sound hopeful. He can’t hurt him, not again. 

“Your mother’s name was Sarah,” he starts, and his voice sounds right for the first time in years, if a little hoarse. Anyone could know that, though. “You used to put newspapers in your shoes.”

Steve’s smile is so immediate and genuine that Bucky can’t help but smile back, and maybe he already was. When Steve gets him out, he clasps Bucky on the shoulder, once, firm, not quite looking at him. Bucky thinks, _yes, okay_ , and then he runs for his life. 

\--

They meet again at a truck stop, Steve pulling up in a pickup, wearing a thick flannel. It’s chilly here in the evenings, and Bucky has his jacket zipped up, strings pulled on the hood. When Bucky gets in, they don’t talk. Steve has the radio on so low that he can’t actually be listening to it, even with his ears, but it’s just right. Peaceful. 

Bucky watches the sun set. A couple hours later, Steve takes a few turns to nowhere, and they’re at a motel, paying cash. He’s not processing when Steve talks to the lady at the desk, and how long has it been since he did that, just trust someone to deal with the shit he didn’t want to bother with. 

When he enters the room and sees two queens, he snorts, and immediately heads to take a shower. When he’s scrubbed and brushed and has a clean change of clothes, he makes himself open the door. He remembers his first hot shower a year or so back, filling the tub afterwards to soak because it felt so goddamn good. 

Steve is sitting on one of the beds, and looks up like a shot when Bucky walks toward him and sits down on the bed. 

“Hey,” Steve says, staying on his side of the bed, unmoving. 

“You could’ve caught up to me, before I got stuck,” Bucky confirms. 

“Yeah.” 

Bucky nods. “Thanks for letting me go.” 

Steve looks up at him. “Why did you?”

Bucky smiles, surprised by the reply his brain supplies. “I took all the stupid with me, remember?”

Steve’s lips part into a gentle o, remembering. Then he punches Bucky in the shoulder. “Yeah, well. Fuck you, a little bit.” 

They’re quiet, for a minute, and Bucky watches Steve go somewhere bad. “Hey,” he says, and sits cross-legged, puts his open palms up on the slick bedspread. “Come here.” 

Steve shuffles forward until their knees are touching, and Bucky traps one of his hands between his. “I missed you,” Bucky says, and Steve lets out a shaky sigh. 

“Yeah,” Steve says eloquently, his whole body craning towards Bucky’s hands. 

“Don’t be sad,” Bucky says. “I’m ok. I’ll be ok.” 

Steve looks even sadder at that, shakes his head. Then he lifts his hands, gently disentangling the one from Bucky’s grasp, and traces his jaw, his cheekbones, not holding, just examining, so feather-light that Bucky shivers. Then Steve leans forward and kisses him, a gentle brush of chapped lips. 

Steve’s been this sweet before, he remembers now, but not usually like this, never before they’ve fucked at least once and Steve is lax and sleepy. Bucky moans and Steve chases it, lower back arching where Bucky’s metal hand finds itself pressing. Steve presses his lips to his neck, makes himself naked with his kisses, and Bucky remembers how terrified Steve used to be of what he was and what they were, knows what it means for that not to matter to Steve now. If it were anyone else, he’d be afraid of never matching such an honest declaration of love, but. 

This is Steve. He’s pretty much accepted he hung the moon and the stars, and maybe it’s not the healthiest thing in the world, but goddamn there’s nothing he’d trade for being one of the few people who could ever say they felt this much. 

Steve shifts his hips, starts pressing against Bucky, and he leans back in response, takes a deep breath. 

“Sorry,” Steve says immediately, overcompensating, and Bucky reels him back in. 

“No, come here. It’s just been a long time.” Steve shuffles forward, lets Bucky run his hands over him, relearning, then down his spine to pull him closer and be kissed. Steve opens for him easily; of course he does. 

Steve shakes a little when Bucky kisses behind his ear. “Shh,” Bucky says, pushing him down onto the mattress, rucking up his shirt, leaning down to kiss his stomach. He looks up. “You want this?” he asks, fiddling with the button on Steve’s jeans. There’s nothing but Steve’s eyes looking down at him, wide like the first time he offered to do this. And what a shame. 

Steve nods, and Bucky pulls the zipper, tugs off his pants while Steve shifts his hips, mouths him right over the cotton of his boxers, loving the shocked noise he makes, the way he smells. He rubs two warm fingers down between his legs, and he’s wet even through the material. 

“Sweetheart,” Bucky sighs; he remembers. Steve looks away, and that’s familiar, because if there’s one thing you can’t take out of Steve it’s shame, the fact that deep down he knows he’s not good enough. He’s wrong. 

“You wet for me, baby boy?” Bucky asks, and it’s not a contradiction, it’s so obviously right that he never questioned it. 

Steve answers by stripping off his boxers and giving him a look- _just how stupid are you?_

Bucky laughs and gets to work, kisses his thighs, sucks his little dick till he’s hard and moaning, biting his arm out of long habit. Bucky slips a finger into him, and Steve’s body welcomes him so easily, soft and warm and slick, takes another finger like a dream. 

Bucky can feel Steve’s thighs trembling as he pumps two fingers into him, feels how he’s open and clenching down at the same time, ready to come. He’s surprised when Steve hits his shoulder, pushes him back. Then Steve fumbles at Bucky’s pants, unzips him, and Jesus Christ, how long has he been this hard? Bucky hears himself makes a noise like he’s been punched, and Steve looks at him, questioning. 

Bucky ruffles his hair. “Sure, baby,” he answers. “It’s been a long time, though, so if you want, you know.” 

Steve strips off the rest of his own clothes, then Bucky’s shirt. He bites Bucky’s flesh shoulder playfully, his hand gentle on the metal one, and Bucky kisses him, darts his tongue into Steve’s mouth, tries not to think. 

When Steve finally gets a hand on him, slick, stroking, it’s so good that Bucky has to stop him. “Wait,” he stutters, and Steve stops immediately, head cocked. 

“Rubber,” Bucky manages, and Steve shakes his head. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he says casually, and Bucky feels his stomach plummet. 

“Steve,” he says, horrified. “They fix you?” They’d talked about it so many times during the war, that it’d be the best thing, the right thing, that men didn’t have those parts, that it was dangerous. It had made him sick to watch Steve curl in on himself protectively, and if he’d started to believe them when Bucky hadn’t been there to tell them to fuck off-

“Hey,” Steve says, hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “No. It’s not like that. I just, well, I don’t care anymore.” 

“Don’t be stupid,” Bucky says automatically, and Steve flinches. “I didn’t mean-“ he follows up hastily. “Stevie. Let’s plan the baseball team later, ok?” 

Steve nods. “If we both survive this,” he looks at him steadily, “not too much later, ok?”

They’d had to be careful as hell, for so long. Bucky would have either killed him, or gotten him killed, didn’t matter which. He's a little dizzy, remembering how healthy Steve is now. He kisses him, contrite. 

“I’ve read some things,” Bucky says. “What do they call it now?”

Steve laughs into the kiss. “Congenital adrenal hyperplasia, I’m pretty sure. ‘S more common for people to inject the hormones now, though.” 

“Huh,” Bucky says. “They any better about it?”

Steve barks a laugh. “They give babies surgery, now.” 

Bucky stares at him. He’s not kidding. “Christ,” he says, standing. “I’m pretty sure this place is shitty enough that I saw a dispenser in the bathroom.”

Steve looks at him. Bucky leans over and kisses him. 

“Hey,” Bucky says. “I might have something. I want to be careful.” 

Steve’s brow furrows, and Bucky realizes he wasn’t thinking. “Sure, Buck. You don’t have to give me a reason.” He tilts his head. “Thought you said it’d been a long time, though.”

Bucky could say something here, cover his tracks. It’d be a lie. “It has,” he smiles, brittle. 

Steve takes a deep breath, lets it go, closes his eyes for a moment. Then he stands, completely naked, and wraps Bucky in a hug, loose enough to get out of easily, if he wanted. Bucky lets his head drop, closes his eyes. 

“We don’t have to do anything,” Steve says. “You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Bucky sighs. “Uh, do me a favor? I want to stop thinking, now.” 

Steve kisses his forehead, then pulls away, disappears into the bathroom. “Hey,” Bucky hears after a metal clinking noise. Steve’s face pokes out, flushed, and he waves a condom at him. “They got your size.” 

The condom package says “XL,” and Steve’s grinning. It’s not a lie, either. 

“Oh, my god,” Bucky wheezes, and sits back down on the bed. “I hate you, Rogers.” 

Steve sits in his lap, grinds down. Bucky’s hands automatically grab his hips; they used to circle them. 

“Nah,” Steve says, knees to either side of Bucky’s waist, and Bucky thrusts up against him once, can’t stop himself. He rolls them until Steve’s on his back, legs locked around Bucky’s waist, then untangling to drop his feet onto the mattress. Bucky leans up to kiss him again, biting his plush lip and rubbing his cock against his belly. Steve hums, pleased, deepens the kiss. Bucky barely notices it when Steve pinches the condom and unrolls it; he feels too good, all over, warm and relaxed. Focused. 

He’s looking at Steve’s parted lips, the long sweep of his lashes, when he finally presses into him. “Steve,” he says, and Steve runs a hand down his spine, grounding. It’s so good; he can’t remember ever feeling like this, can’t remember his body feeling this right. Steve’s smile is soft, but his kisses are hungry, and he makes these beautiful high-pitched noises he only makes when he can’t be bothered to be self-conscious. It drives Bucky crazy, and he’s trying to get as deep and he can, really just pressing into him more than fucking. 

Steve’s fingernails bite into Bucky’s back, and Bucky kisses him. 

“You like that?”

“You know I do, you big fucking bastar-“ Steve bites down on the word when Bucky gets enough control to pull back, till Bucky’s dick is just resting outside of him. “Fuck you,” Steve grits. 

Bucky laughs, delighted. “You need something?” He pushes back in, nice and steady, and Steve muffles a shout, feeling it. But then Steve glares at him, knocks the smirk right off Bucky’s face when he clenches. Two can play that game, apparently. Steve runs a finger down between Bucky’s legs, down his perineum, pressing at his hole. 

“Oh god,” Bucky gasps, thrusts picking up, kissing Steve sloppily through quick breaths. He doesn’t bother kidding himself; he doesn’t have the control to hold on much longer, but that’s just fine. 

“I need to-,” Bucky starts, and Steve groans, reaches down to jerk himself off. 

“Good,” Steve says, tightening up around him, “jerk.” His other hand presses his knuckles between Bucky’s legs, and just like that, Bucky comes, helpless. He’s quiet, they both are- habit. But when he hears Steve gasp, feels him coming, body trembling, Bucky moans into his neck; he can’t stop his hips from twitching, just a little more, a little deeper. He can’t bring himself to move for a bit, just shifts his hips lazily, softening dick still inside Steve. Cuddling in a way that Steve never would’ve allowed before, but not because he didn’t secretly want it, Bucky always thought. 

Finally, he gently eases off, ties off the condom, runs a hand over Steve’s flushed chest. Steve gets a leg up over them and flips them, covering Bucky with his body, protective. Bucky reaches behind them and pulls up the stiff sheets, settles easily, tucking his head under Steve’s chin. 

“If you get yourself killed, I’m gonna kill you,” Steve says, running his fingers through Bucky’s long hair, fussing through tangles. 

“Do my best, sweetheart.”

**Author's Note:**

> holla back


End file.
